Fighting the Fear

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Fear is a natural mechanism , primarly used to activate the human being to protect himself from danger and improve the possibilities for survival. The frightening stimulus makes the brain process the facts and combined with the data that has been stored withing the years of experince makes the person decide  to run or hide.

The usual fears of children are darkness, separation from parents ( or animals), being rejected by peers or even natural disasters. It is allright for children to be a bit worried about these things, but we must make sure they don’t exaggerate.

When should we worry?

-When there is no actually real danger

-When this fear leads to extreme anxiety

-When the child’s routine changes; eg he doesn’t want to go to school etc.

How can we help?

1 . Our reaction is very important. The children look up to us to be inspired. Our optimism and confidence helps them realise that maybe things are not as serious as the seem

2.We must recognise their feelings. The child does feel afraid. The reality of the certain obect of fear is a relative thing. With our guidance we can help get over it.We can explain meanings like anxiety and fear in our everyday life; make a story about them;or even invite the child to draw about it

3.Our thought is the most important key to the solution. Thoughts may make us be afraid, but they can also make us forget about our fear by concentrating in other things.

4.We can also suggest our children to stop and observe a)how possible is what are afraid to happen and b) to have a plan about what can be done if their fear comes real. It would be nice to say “what would your favorite hero do in such a case?”or c)find things that makes him relax in every day life

5.Remember to reward them if the make a step towards their fear, however small it may be

6.In the end,if everything fails and cannot get over it through the years, we could ask for help from a specialist

What do you think?What are your children’s fear?What do you do to help them? Share your stories!

 

“Mommy, do you love me more than my sister?”- talking about jealousy

Tell me mommy,who do you love?
Tell me mommy,who do you love the most?

How many times have you faced the tricky question from your little one? Why do you believe that child needs to know which one your children is more preferred? And what is the better answer? I don’t say  the best, because there is always something better than the last good.

The most important reason for the jealousy of the children is , in my opinion, the fear of losing the love of their parents. Especially when a child is the first born and has all the benefits of the only child, and it suddenly comes face to face with a new member, all sort of questions and problems begin. “Why is this child with us?” , “will you not love me now?”

The child  expects equality and not the same exact behavior. We are equal, but we’re not same. The child wants to feel unique; he knows that he is different, and wants exclusivity. These expectations may lead to different behaviors, if the child doesn’t get what he wants. Some children become aggresive, some other become introverted and shy. It’s up to us to respond to each behavior with a different approach and adapt to the case.

Another good approach is to focus on the actions and behaviors and not on the emotions. We can praise his good actions and make an example of them, and discourage “bad ” actions (like hitting the other child or talking “bad words), without using LABELS (check my previous post) which would make things worse. Telling him that he is a jealous guy, could possibly lead him to fulfill his profecy and not fight back his jealous tendecies.

We should also make sure that he understands that our love is infinite and enough for all the children and that every one has his own place in our heart.

Comparison may be used for the child as far as he is for himself  (eg. in the past) and not with the other siblings. For example, you may say “Your grades are better than the grades you had last semester” rather than “look at your brother’s grades!”

And last, but not least, give the child the time and space to work things out for himself. Give him the rationale to decide what’s really bugging him and interfere if you are asked to.

What do you think? What are usually  your children  jealous about?How do you handle jealousy? I want to hear your stories!

 

“Oh you are so…..”

“Oh you are so….”    Complete the sentence with your own words

How many of you have not used it to Label your little one?

“You are lazy!”, “You are silly!”, “You are unorganised…”, “You are so impatient!”, ‘You are so stubborn!” and so many others LABELS

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“I’ve told you over and over…You are so….”

Did you ever think that using Labels and characterizations for your children may lead them unintentionally to fulfill your prophecy for them? Maybe he is not lazy; but your thinking of him being lazy bones, makes him act like one. He is convinced that by playing lazy, he will get along with you and your expectations and make you happy. And this way, he will be happy too, because he is  no surprise to you,and thus need not to worry any more.

On the other hand, LABELS may prejudice us towards them. If you say that your child “is sensitive” , you will behave with more subtleness and sensitivity, without really bother to check if he is actually sensitive or it is your own conclusion. If you think that he “is just being so stubborn”, you may not notice that his reluctance to go to the gym is because there is some other kid who is teasing him

You can also look in your own adult life. When you go to ask for something from your “horrible boss”, do you really believe that he will be glad to hear your thoughts and ideas? Even if he hasn’t really ever mentioned something, your labeling him as “Horrible Boss” gives you a negative predisposition against him

It all starts with the mind. Try not to be biased; not to judge sentimentally and Listen. Listen to what the other has to say;it may not be what you had expected.Maybe your kid will be stubborn for something he wants Right NOW.That doesn’t mean he is stubborn and selfish ALL the time. Take time to reflect your thoughts. Are your conclusions objective? Perhaps you are missing some details to get the whole picture.

Don’t jump into swift  conclusions.

Look, Listen and Learn!

Do you use LABELS for your own children?

If yes, what are the most common?
Please,feel free to share your thoughts!